Wednesday, July 28, 2010

My bottle

I am a professional at taking my emotions and shoving them into a bottle and quickly corking it. I do it when I'm afraid that the words in my head will hurt someone I care about. I do it when I'm scared that the words in my head will be used against me if I speak them aloud. Basically I do it in all circumstances except when it has to do with my children, then the mama bear in me comes out. I've been mean and nasty via email - does that count? It's not face to face but still makes my stomach turn into a net chock full of butterflies. Face to face discussions are even worse.

Something that ought to be nothing becomes gigantic in my head. Here's an example from recent conversation.

'What are you thinking?'
Insert thought bubble 'Sex would make this day even better than it already is.'
Deer in headlights look.
'You sure? You had a thinky look.'
'What's a thinky look?'
'I know your tell. You had a thinky look.'
'It's nothing.' (looks away)
'You sure? If you don't want to talk about it, we don't have to.'

Silence, mind racing as I try to come up with something that would work as to what I was thinking about. I say something lame and he calls me on it. He is looking upset now and makes a comment about how it bothers him that I'm not comfortable enough with him to share my thoughts. I am now in a spiral of despair. I care about him and feel stupid for not having said what I was thinking. My very good mood is now a very bad mood. Turn lights out, he wraps his arms around me and I lose it. Tears rolling down my face turn to sobs which turn to straight up bawling. I finally talk, I talk about how stupid it is to sprial this way, how I feel as if all I do is think about sex (because it's the one thing I can't talk about with him - I know wtf?!), how I'm afraid he'll tease me about it - all while crying.

I'm like this beautiful bottle of champagne, except that instead of sweet, cool, crisp, bubbly liquid, you get tears, frustration and hysteria. Go me.

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